Hold On
by wildkidlexie
Summary: An uncanny story about James's childhood that was left untold. oneshot


**A/N: This is my first fic focusing on James. If you like it or hate it, please comment. It will really help me better my writing, thanks a lot )  
This fic is accompanied by _Hold On_ _Good Charlotte_ in bold letters. I don't own the characters or the song. Thanks!**

_Ten-year old James ran down the stairs. "Did you get into Hogwarts?" he asked his older sister. His sister looked up, first frowning, then slowly smiled and nodded. James' eyes sprakled with excitement. "That's great!" he exclaimed. "Have you told Mum and Dad?" he asked. He seemed to be more excited than his sister, who was the one who got accepted. _

_"Not yet," his sister replied. James pulled her towards the study where their father usually stayed after coming home from work. James and his sister peeped into the study. "Dad?" Mr. Potter looked up from his evening paper. James' sister ran to him. "I got into Hogwarts, Dad. I got my letter just now," she said, now as excited as her brother was when she had first told him. _

_Their joy was short-lived when the three Potters searched for Mrs. Potter who was supposedly making dinner. Much to their shock, they found her lying on the ground. "Go call for help," Mr. Potter commanded James, who looked too stunned to move. "Lovely, open your eyes, please," Mr. Potter practically pleaded as he gave his wife a gentle shake. He pressed her body against his and sobbed. "Lovely..." he whispered as his voice faded. _

_James' eyes was filled with a mixture of sadness and shock. He stared at his mother's nody for a long while. "Mummy," he whispered. His sister tugged his arm, reminding him that they needed to get help, but the ten-year-old felt helpless at the moment. "Mummy." He felt tears streaming down his cheeks. "Mummy, son't leave me. Please don't leave me, Mummy."_

**This world, This world is cold**

"Prongs!" Fifteen-year-old James jumped in his seat. Sirius stared at him. "You've been sitting there like a dead duck for ages. What's gotten into you?" he asked. James stood up quickly. "Anything wrong, mate? You've been acting strange lately," he said suspiciously.

James shook his head. _If only you knew._ "Nothing, it's nothing," James lied. He threw a playful look at Sirius. "I've only been waiting for Moony to finish the things," he paused for a moment and smirked, "we ourselves ought to as well." Sirius frowned. James laughed merrily. "C'mon, mate, we manage to get it done before the deadline. You know that."

Sirius shrugged. "Guess so." Remus appeared just in time. Sirius threw him a dirty look. "What took you so long, mate? It's been half an hour. We've wasted it." Remus looked sorry. Sirius smiled so not to make him look so sad. "No matters, let's go now." He looked at James and winked. "It's time for it again," he said. _Another prank, another play. Something's wrong with Prongs. I can tell._

"W-Wait for me," panted Peter as he showed up behind Remus. "I-I've been meaning to f-finish homework, but I-I guess fun will have t-to come first, a-ain't it?" James nodded as he threw his jet black hair back. Remus put away his books. Peter smiled and neared the other three boys. "What's new?"

The four boys crowded a corner od the common room and discussed their new prank. James childishly explained how to get into the kitchen and steal bacon and cheese. Sirius suggested some ham, which they all unanimously agreed to take with them as well. It was a great plan, a perfect goal.

**But you don't have to go**

"Anything wrong with Prongs?" muttered Remus, looking at James' direction as James went to back his Invisibility Cloak. "He's been acting odd. I saw him staring at that the fireplace for hours while I finished up the essay. He doesn't often do that unless he's got something on his mind."

Sirius shrugged, looking a little concerned. "He won't tell me." He observed James for a moment. "He's a little thinner and paler since we came back from Hogsmead last weekend. He's been too quiet for his own good. Doesn't seem to trust us anymore. Maybe he's heard something," concluded Sirius, though he knew that James wouldn't simply take others' words against the Marauders'.

Remus thought for a moment. "Can't be. James hardly listens to anyone but you," he stated. Sirius grunted, though it was quite the truth. "Why don't you ask him again tonight before we go to bed? He might have a little slip-off when he's groggy," Remus suggested, also eager to know why James acted the way he did. It bothered him to see James sullen because James was known as hot-tempered, but cheerful.

Sirius agreed. They carried out the night's prank without fault. They managed to nip a bit of the roast chicken as well. The house-elves didn't even know that they had been there. The four boys feasted upong their midnight snack and laughed about their nighttime adventure. James seemed happy, but Sirius knew he was still hiding something. He couldn't ask the question though, for he didn't want to break James' happy mood, which had become rare recently.

**You feel inside you're feeling lonely**

_James' sister gripped James hand tightly. It hurt a bt, but James didn't complain. She had tears in her eyes, but he didn't know how to wipe them away, because he himself had them too. They watched as four men carried their mother away in a coffin. Their father talked to a very odd looking woman. He seemed stoned, emotionless, as he spoke about their mother. _

_"Yes, Mr. Potter. 'Tis a very wise desicion," said the woman. She turned to the children's direction. James hid behind his sister. "But the boy? You say he's not eleven yet. How can he?" she asked. James' sister gripped James' hand even more tighter. This time, James yelped. The woman turned to them. "I'm sorry we had to do this," she whispered. _

_Mr. Potter looked stern. "We have no choice since my wife is," he paused, "dead." James felt scared, though he didn't understand the reality of what was happening. "The girl leaves in three days. I will ready my boy by then as well." He turned. "Good day, Miss Hagsley." _

**And no one seems to care**

_"You, boy, get the paper," barked Mr. Potter. James scrambled to his feet and obeyed the command as quickly as possible. He did not dare anger his father since he seemed very weary since his mother died. _

_James' sister had left. He had no comapanion at home. His father, even though present, seemed too far away for comfort. He drank booze day by day. He smoked hour by hour, stick by stick. James could tell that his father was too depressed to go on with being an Auror. He knew he had to do something, but he was only ten. He felt as helpless as when his mother had died. _

_"Fools," cried Mr. Potter as he rad the Daily Prophet. "Can't tell one Death Eater from another." Mr. Potter looked through the whole paper and turned to James who sat nearby waiting for another order. "Get me booze, James," said his father tonelessly. James didn't move. He felt that his father had enough booze for the day. Mr. Potter, voice now twice as loud as when he called for his morning paper. "I said get some booze, boy!" he bellowed. _

_James stood his ground. "I-I think y-you've had e-enough, D-Dad," he stammered. James could see the steam coming from his father's ears. He hurriedly back onto the wall, still refusing to get booze for his father. "I-It's b-bad for you, D-Dad," he said. _

_"Why you!" Mr. Potter raised a hard wooden stick. _

**Your mother's gone and your father hits you**

_"Please don't!" begged James. A hard blow came to the side of his body. "Please, Dad. It hurts," he cried. It did hurt, a lot. "Please stop, Dad, it hurts a lot now. Dad, please stop. Please stop, Dad!" _

_The beating did not cease. James begged and pleaded, but to no avail. His father saw no mercy in beating his son. All his anger, his hurt, flowed from the wooden stick to the poor boy who begged him to stop. James didn't understand why he had to hurt so much. He just wanted his father to live longer. He didn't want his father to leave him too. _

**This pain you could not bear**

"Please, Dad. Please stop." James sat up sweating. He closed his eyes and sighed with relief. "He's not here," he reminded himself. He looked around, none woke up. "Good," he muttered and lied back down, going straight back to his slumber, though wishing for a peaceful one.

Sirius, on the other hand, had been awaken. _Dad? Stop? What did he dream about? He looked mighty scared and pale. Never seen him so afraid of anything._ He let his thoughts linger for a moment. _What's been happening to him? Is it because of his family? Can't be. He's sister's nice, dad's nice too. Nutters at times, but nice._ He shook his head and went back to sleep.

Remus looked disturbed for a moment and went back to his reading. "I don't know. He's never said anything bad about his mother, father, or sister as far as I know." Sirius sighed, so did Remus. "I bet Peter doesn't know anything too. It's you who should know. You're his most trusted, Padfoot." Remus bit his lower lip. "We could try some V-"

Sirius cut him off. "No. I don't want to force anything he doesn't want to say," he hissed. "He's our friend, Moony, and he's got to learn that we care about what he thinks. It's not just the fun we're after and he's supposed to know that. I tell him my share of problems, why doesn't he tell me his?" He looked flushed with annoyance about James not saying a word about why he has been acting odd.

Their conversation ended when James walked up to them. "I saw Snivellus pass by and I think I'd like to give him a good hex," he said with a twinkling glee in his eye. Sirius didn't react, which made James look suspicious. "Is there anything wrong, Padfoot?" he asked.

Sirius knew there was no other better place or time to ask than now when James can't make a run for it. "Class begins in three minutes and I won't quit bugging you what's wrong until you promise to tell us after class what you're thinking about and dreaming about," said Sirius in one breath. James stared at him. Sirius stared back. "You owe it to us, Prongs. We're your friends."

**But we all bleed the same way as you do**

For a moment, Sirius thought James would argue, but James gave him a dirty look and nodded. "Al'right," he said. "Marauders' promise," he muttered as he raised his right hand. Sirius smirked. James rolled his eyes. "I'll get you for this anyway," he said under his breath. _How did he know? When did he find out?_

Classes seemed to be a long drag for Remus and Sirius who both were very much eager to know James' secret. James didn't mind the lenghthy time though, he needed it to think about the right things to say. He had never really opened up to the Marauders before, especially not about his family or his childhood. He said some petty things here and there, not really did it trouble him, but he had always find it hard to trust since the day they took his mother away.

"Start," mumured Sirius as they ate lunch. James looked awful. He looked pale and unbelievingly timid. Sirius raised his eyebrow. "Are you trying to hold back the Marauders' promise because if you are we are goi-"

James glared at him. "No I am not." He gulped and lowered his voice. "It's nothing much. I've only been thinking about my dad lately. See, he wrote to me and said that he'd be saying good-bye and meeting mother. I don't know if he's just drunk or he's thinking about..." James voice trailed off, but he need not finish off the sentence. The boys understood perfectly.

**And we all have the same things to go through**

"Mum did the same," muttered Peter out of the blue. James, Remus, and Sirius stared. Peter gave a shiver. "Mum suicided not too long after my brother, her favorite, died. Not really sure if he's the reason, but that about sums it up because Dad never spoke of it again." _Didn't I tell them this before? I know I have. They weren't listening, were they?_

Remus' shock slolwy faded. "You've mentioned it once before," he said quietly. Peter nodded. Remus scratched his head. "So much for a happy family. Mine's got a werewolf, James' suicidal, Peter's, well, already suicided, Sirius' got a problem fitting in." He looked at the other three. "We do have a family thing in common," he concluded. All the three could do was nod.

A smile slowly showed up at James' face. "We can't help it, can we?" He turned to his plate. "I'm starved. This is getting to emotional. Let's fill ourselves, boys," he said, changing the mood into a happy one. _I never thought of it the way Remus did...How stupid of me. They've got problems too._ "I have another plan up my sleeve for tonight," he added.

**Hold on, if you feel like letting go**

Lily stole a glance at James during Herbology. "Potter," she started. James turned to her, not in the mood really. "I've been wanting to ask you." She looked around to make sure that Professor Sprout was nowhere in sight. "You've been looking a little gloomy these past few days. Everything all right?" she asked.

_She's concerend about me._ James heart leapt. "Everything's fine, Evans," he replied. He turned back to his Mandrake and an idea popped into his head. "Eavns," he whispered. Lily turned to him. "I won't be rally fine until you go out with me this weekend. That will make everything better. You're the tonic of my illness," he said, rather childishly.

Lily couldn't help grinning. "You wish, Potter." _Though I wish you weren't so arrogant so I could say yes. You look great, James, smart too. Just please, please grow out of that attitude of yours._ "Sprout's back. No more talking," she hissed and turned back to the Mandrkae in her hands.

James smiled to himself. _I wish you weren't so cheeky so I could show you the best days of your life, Lily Evans._ He looked at Sirius and winked. Sirius grinned, but was repremanded by Professor Sprout who caught him. James took a glimpse at Lily. _You're beautiful, my Lily._

**Hold on, it gets better than you know**

Sirius read through Mr. Potter's letter. "Seems like your suspicions are right, Prongs," he observed sadly. He handed the parchment to Remus who also wanted to read it. Sirius placed a hand on James' shoulder. "You'll get through this, mate." _So this is what he's yelling please don't for. But it all seemed like a memory to me when I see him staring blankly at something. It can't possibly be his father's suicide because it hasn't happened yet. Prongs, he has this mighty scared look in him._ "Prongs, tell me," said Sirius suddenly, not even realising he said it. James turned to him. Sirius swallowed. "This little problem of yours is it, well, connected to the dreams your having with you yelling night by night?" he asked.

James turned white. Remus lowered the parchment, waiting for his answer. Peter sat nearby, close enough to hear. "Yes," muttered James, "and no." Sirius threw a quick glance at the clock. People would arrive in half an hour and they wouldn't be able to talk. James sighed. He knew they all wanted to understand better. "I'll tell it all tonight. We sneek to the Shrieking Shack tonight. We'll talk there," he decided.

Remus and Sirius agreed it was for the best to spend the night there. Peter looked unsure, but he agreed a moment later as the people came in jovialy after a hard day's studying. They sneaked off to the Shrieking Shack the moment everyone had gone to sleep.

**It is, you're thinking too long**

_James managed to crawl to his bed. He had bruises and cuts all over his body. He cleaned them all himself and cried himself to sleep. He wished for his mother, or at least his sister, but they weren't around to take him away from hell. He felt sick, he wanted to die. But a spark of hope returned to him when he saw an owl coming towrds him. _

_It was from his sister asking him how he was and hoping that he'd write back about himself and their father. James shivered at the thought of telling her what was really happening. He didn't want his sister worrying about him. He wrote back a lie, an aboslute lie telling her not to worry and that he and his father were getting along great. He also added a story about him spending fun times with their father. Out of his wildest dreams he wrote the letter. He cried to himself as he wrote the big lie. _

_"James, I heard some owl flutter." James quickly sent his letter away before his father reached the door. James shut the window. Angrily, his father grabbed his arm tightly. "I told you not to write letters to anyone!" he yelled. James felt scared as the grip tightened even more. "Who was that from? What did it say? More imortantly, what did you reply?" he demanded all at once, fury was evident in his eyes. _

_The fear died as James tried to summon up all his courage to fight back for once. "It was from my sister!" he retorted. His father gave him a black-eye. James stood still. He did not cry this time. He felt angry. It wasn't his fault that this was happening. "I have the right to write back to her. You can't stop me! You can't stop me!" he shouter over and over again. _

_James was thrashed more than he deserved. For the first time in his life, James Potter learned to stand up for his own. With a bleeding lip and a limp arm, he fought back. He didn't care about more whips from his father. James had became immune to his constant cursing. He had learned to supress his anger, his hurt._

**And the nights, you can't sleep at all (Hold On)**

James woke up from his dreamy state when Professor Sprout handed out some interesting pots. He stole a glance at Sirius who had seemed to be watching him. James sighed heavily, knowing that he must stop dosing off or else he'll be in trouble with his friends' inquiries as well as his grades will soon suffer. He tried to concentrate, but the hauntings replayed over and over his head.

After Herbology, Sirius immediately walked up to James. "You've been staring at the window for ages," he mumured. James bit his lower lip without a slight push. "You're not thinking about suicide, mate. The look on that face of yours is fear for yourself, not your father." James gulped, he needed to explain everything tonight. "Prongs, if there is anything I can help you with, you know I would." Sirius turned his head. "Snivellus is coming, act like, well, you do," he hissed and turned to Severus who was walking towards them. "Why Snive-"

"I have a message for Potter from Lily Evans," he said snottily, not letting Sirius finish his greeting. Sirius looked as if he would argue, but the look on Severus' face seemed dark and secretive. He decided that it was best to let him continue. "Lily Evans wishes to talk to Potter tomorrow, after Defense Against Dark Arts class." He threw a disgusted look at Sirius. "Alone."

James nodded understandingly. "Al'right," he replied cooly. "Tell her I'll be there." James turned back to Sirius and walked away. He looked at Sirius rather uncertainly for a moment, but said nothing. They walked on to their next class with Remus and Peter behind him without another word.

**You're not sure what you're waiting for but you don't want to no more**

Remus settled himself near the exit of the Shrieking Shack. Peter, on the other hand, made himself comfortable at the rear of the room. James and Sirius sat nearby Remus incase they had to run. All four of them remained silent for a while as they felt the uneasy tension around them. They knew that by revealing almost everything to each other would take their friendship another step higher.

"So," said Sirius, breaking the silence, "what were you supposed to tell us this morning, Prongs?" he asked. James looked away. Sirius sighed heavily. "C'mon, Prongs. All of us must be afraid of something. Someone as fearless as you has to meet his match someday," he said as a matter of factly knowning that James hated it every time he had to admit that he was afraid of something.

James took a deep breath and began. "I haven't told you much about my family ever since, mates, so it's kind of hard to start now," he explained. None of the three made a comment about it except for Peter's unintentional cough. James closed his eyes. "When my mum died, things happened back home. Things my sister and I never imagined will happen." James raised his sleeve and pointed to a deep scar. "My dad b-"

His story was cut short when they heard voices. People were coming. "Quick, turn yourselves into animals," hissed Sirius. Remus couldn't, so they had to hide him in the closet. The other three managed to escape promising Remus that they will come back for him once the coast was clear.

Peter pressed his ears against the trunk. "They've left. They're preparing for Moony's next transformasion," he informed. James and Sirius nodded at the same time. When Madam Pomfrey, and maybe Professor Dumbledore, left and went back to the castle, the three unregistered Animagi slipped back into the Shrieking Shack. "That was too close for comfort," said Peter as they turned back into human form.

James looked at the exit tensely. "They're bound to come back, we have to go back to the castle." He really wasn't intending to be cautious, he just felt uncomfortable telling his friends about his family situation. The other Marauders had no choice but to agree. James felt relieved that he won't be telling the boys about his problem, well, not that night. Maybe some other time, when he is more ready to tell them the truth.

**You're not sure what you're looking for but you don't want to no more**

Remus frowned as they reached the Gryffindor Tower. "He's slipped again," he whispered to Sirius, whose eyes shifted uneasly at James. "I can tell somethig's bad had happened to him. Maybe he's scared to tell us that he was, well, more like Peter when he was younger," he hypothesized, thinking that James had also been scared almost about everything before.

"Maybe," countered Sirius. _But I don't really think that's it. If James was a scared kid, then he still wouldn't have so much guts here. He couldn't be afraid about everything. Not James Potter. It would only just be something that keeps terrorising him until now, until this moment._ Then a thought hit him, a great idea of a thought. He turned to Sirius excitedly. "Let's ask his sister. She might know a bit about what Prongs is worrying about and we could put the pieces together ourselves," he suggested.

Remus smiled back, liking Sirius' idea. _Why didn't we think of this before?_ "That's great, Padfoot," he said. He looked at his watch. "We still have little time to interview her. Lights won't be out until ten this evening. Let's see if she's in the common room."

James had heard them, but he didn't want to foil their plans. Besides, his sister didn't know much because his father had stopped beating him when he was accepted at Hogwarts. James wasn't beaten unless there was no one else around the house. His sister, of course, had her suspicions, but didn't get straight answers from James. She investigated bit by bit, but didn't get too far.

**But all all bleed the same way as you do**

"James?" The pretty Potter sat down. her eyes dropped to the floor. "I wanted to find out for myself when I was younger. Believe me, I tried. But James was stubborn. Ever since Mum died and he was left with Dad, he became resentful and secretive. He didn't talk much anymore and the innocent sparkle of his eyes were gone. I know there's something happening every time I was away, but I think Dad tells him to shut up. He doesn't say a word but 'I'm fine'. I'm worried for him before, but he's got his own mind now. For me, I think it's best to leave him. He won't talk," she said.

Remus sighed sadly. "He won't tell us either." James' sister looked concerned. "He's been acting strange. It's like he's having these, well, flashbacks. I don't really know. I see him sometimes and I hear him mutter to himself about his father, or sometimes about you. He wakes up in the middle of the night screaming for his father to stop, whatever it was. Your dad wrote, you see, and we suspect that it's a suicidal note. But I don't think James is worried about that bit," he said uncertainly.

"James did not get along with our dad so much," James' sister explained tiredly. "They constantly argue, especially last summer. They don't talk to each other much during Christmas," she glanced at Sirius, "so he asks you to come. It's like a loophole to not entertain my father. He keeps his distance, but he never told me the reason why. It's possible that Dad intimidated him, but I don't really know how." She looked sad and unwilling to tell the story.

Sirius' eyes widened. "I know," he suddenly piped up. He looked at Remus. "Remember the scar he showed us before we got held off?" Remus nodded. Sirius looked at James' sister. "He got cut off with a word that started with b, but I can't think of any other word but 'beat'. The scar did look like an old bruise from thrashing. I've got loads of those because of Mum," he said as the truth about James slowly dawned on him.

**And we all have the same things to go through**

_Crash. Break. The house was a mess. Mr. Potter had chased his son all over the living room. James Potter curled himself up in one corner as the wooden stick swung down and his him hard. The blow made James spit out blood, but it did not make him cry. He felt numb and alone. He closed his eyes and thought of good thoughts. He even thought Azkaban Prison would be better than his own home. _

_"Your mum is gone and no one is here to stop me from wiping out a piece of filth like you. Why did she have to give birth to you? Why? Why?" He hit his son hard. "If it wasn't for you, then she wouldn't have died." James looked up and stared. "Yes. If it wasn't for you, I daresay, she lives with me right now. You gave her that, that illness! Bearing you made her sick, raising you even weakened her. You-You worthless boy!" Mr. Potter spat. _

_James' eyes shifted to the portrait of his mother that hung on the wall. She looked worried, but didn't say anything. He felt alone, he felt angry. Had it really been his fault? He wanted to die so badly if this was what his father wanted. He wouldn't need to suffer like this, to be beated like this when he didn't understand why. James didn't argue but left his father to whip him until he got too weak. Mr. Potter looked anxious for a moment when James gave a little shiver. He turned and left the boy lying on the floor, half unconsious. _

James mind thought of a more wonderful memory. "This is not good," he whispered to himself. "If they found out, they will laugh. It's nothing being beaten like that. Padfoot gets his share of it often." James grunted and cursed under his breath. He didn't know what to do. "If only he killed me back then. It would've been a lot better."

**Hold on, if you feel like letting go**

"Why did you want to see me, Lily Evans? Is there anything wrong?" asked James the next day after the Defense Against Dark Arts class. She looked at him worriedly for a moment. James' mouth grew dry. Neither one of them could say a single word. _She's worried about me._ "Lily? Is there anything wrong?" he asked again.

Lily snapped out of her own presumptions. "It's just that..." her voice trailed off as she gazed into James' hazel eyes. _You look scared with no one to hold onto, James, and I'm scared for you. if only you knew how much I care. But I can't tell you until you change. I need you to change, James, so I could love you as much as I want to without feeling anger because you sometimes act too childishly. But I love you, James, and I care. If only you knew._ "You look so down lately. I was wondering if there is anything wrong with you. You know, out of curiosity, of coruse," she said.

James smiled gently. "Nothing's wrong, Lily," he replied. Lily looked away. James knew that he hurt her by lying. He wasn't a very good liar. "Lily, you know it's hard for me. I-I can't even tell my friends." He didn't choose his words right. Lily turned and walked away with tears in her eyes. James felt like a git. "Lily, I'm sorry," he whispered and walked the other way.

**Hold on, it's better than you know**

Sirius, Peter, and Remus cornered James that very same day. They managed to find time for him to talk. They needed to know as much as his sister did too. They all needed to know what's really been happening to James Potter, the supposedly fearless troublemaker. Troubled eyes didn't suit him and they needed to stop it. They knew that James needed more help, more help than James could admit he needed.

Sirius pointed his wand at James. "This is for your own good, mate," he hissed. James clenched his fits. Remus and Peter both pointed their wands at James too. Sirius' eyes saddened. "I don't know what's happened to you, Prongs. We never had to do this before. We never had to force you. What's become of you?" James' eyes narrowed. Sirius' eyes did the same. "The Marauders are brothers, James." James twitched when he heard Sirius mention his name. He only did this every time he was serious. Sirius, with his hand steady, breathed heavily. "James, tell me now. Did your father abuse you in any way?" he demanded.

James pulled out his wand. Peter whimpered, but kept his want straight at James. Remus felt queasy, but he couldn't back down now. Sirius felt sorry they had to face James this way. He knew this wasn't supposed to be the situation, but he had to know. He had to find out why. It was for James' own good. He didn't want anything killing his freind slowly.

"Don't make me hex you, Prongs, please," pleaded Remus. James' eyes shifted to him. Remus' eyes was full of regret. James lowered his wand. "We just have to know, James. Everybody seemes to notice now. You're not yourself anymore, which isn't a very good sign, sad to say." Remus fixed his eyes on James. "This is for your own good, Prongs. We just hate seeing you so..." his voice faded, not knowing how to discribe the gloominess James showed day by day.

James stared at them blankly. "You all know I've been all telling you the truth," he said, his voice quite broken, as broken as his thoughts. "I won't lie to you. I always tell you things you ought to know. Don't I get a piece of my own privacy?" he asked calmly but painfully. He felt a rush of emotion up his throat, but he did not let it get to him. He can't let them all see him cry. He has to be the James Potter he made himself to be. The little impish troublemaker that made everyone laugh and clap hands. He has to be the James Potter that acts haughty and hexes people. He has to be.

**Don't stop looking, you're one step closer**

_James clutched his mother's pictures close to his heart. His face was tear stained, but he kept this to himself. He could hear his father raging downstairs, but he didn't care. He felt he had the memories of his past childhood was the only thing he clings onto. It was the only spark of left in him. He cannot, will not, let it go. James knew that he had to show his father that he had the will to go on. He musn't lose to his drunken father. _

_Being able to keep his emotions to himself helped James move on day by day. He thought of happy thoughts every time his father beat and curse him. He threw away the haunting memories and quickly turned his attention to chores after a beating. His mind raced for the goal to win, his heart beat for a winning chance to survive. He kept this secret to himself. Still, even if this tatic allowed him to smile and laugh once again, he could feel something missing in his life, but he tried to forget it. Being able to enjoy life was enough for him. it's been long since he had. He had a year of hell when he was ten. _

_"My name's James, James Potter," eleven-year-old James introduced himself to a black-haired boy who had this impish smile on his face. "Thanks for the compartment." He smiled at the boy. "Sirius Black, nice name, mate," he said. James knew he'd come to enjoy Hogwarts, especially when his father would be far away from him. _

_Young Sirius Black smiled back. "No matters, mate. It's good to find a cheekly fellow like you at once." Sirius and James talked to each other and got to know each other more during the trip. Before they changed into their school robes, Sirius looked at James nonchalantly. "I hope we end up at the same house, mate. It's nice to have a joker like you around," he said and went off to change. _

_James stayed behind for a while, smiling as Sirius went off. "It's awesome to have you around too." He looked out the train window and could make out the image of Hogwarts from a far view. "Maybe this is home. Maybe this is the place I'm going to be happy. I'm finally going to be in a place where people can love me. I'll have friends here. I'll just forget everything that happens at all and I'm going to be someone they'll have to look up to here. I won't ever let them know," he said to himself and went to change into school robes too._

**Don't stop searching it's not over**

"We've known you longer than that, James Potter," said Sirius Black, breaking James' thoughts once more. "You can't hide for too long. Things how and we can see. We're not blind. We're," he paused and looked into James' eyes. James was taken back by the looks of it. Sirius' eyes weren't angry, they weren't even upset. Sirius' eyes were sincere, and, to James, had a look of a brother's love. "We're not idiots, niether are your sister and Lily." Sirius' hand never shievered at facing James, his eyes never faltered to look into James'.

Petere shuddered. "Don't give us a hard time, Prongs," he choked. James shot his eyes at poor Peter whom he knew was afraid of him. "Just-just tell us already. Moony and Padfoot cannot hold onmto their suspicions and accusations any longer and I'm tired of them walking around the school murmuring about you. Just tell us what's been going on!" Obviously, Peter had become exasperated by the situation.

_It's hard to tell you because I shouldn't. Four years ago, I promised not to tell you and I am not about to break that vow._ James' eyes left Peter and looked at Remus. "Lower your wands," he comanded with a firm voice, but niether of them did. James glared at Sirius. "You prat, lower your wand. I've got nothing to hide from you, damnnit," he said hotly. He knew Sirius wasn't afraid of him. Sirius was his match, his equal. James couldn't order him to do anything he didn't want. "Lower it," said James as he gritted his teeth.

**Hold on!**

James gave Sirius a hard shove and tried to make a run for him. Sirius instinctivly turned. "STUPEFY!" he exclaimed. James stood in the middle of the hall, stunned. The hall suddenly filled with students. Whispers and mumurs came around James. In their five years, the Marauders had never turned on each other. Sirius grabbed James' sleeve and pulled it up. "This isn't somthing you get everyday, James," he whispered to James' ears. "They're talking about us, James. It's only you who can stop this stupid goose chase. Just tell us. We can't let you off like this, mate. We care about the rumors, about the little talks girls have about you. If they don't understand, at least we have to." He let go of James.

Peter cowered in the corner. Remus looked shocked with what Sirius had done. Sirius had never hexed James before, and Remus had never dreamed that this day would come. James and Sirius had always been good friends and they usually talked things out themselevs, but, for the first time, Sirius had to do what he did. Remus just prayed that James would forgive them after it.

**What are you looking for?**

_"Let go, let go!" twelve-year-old James said playfully, pulling away from Sirius. Sirius tried to grab him again, but James managed to slip away. "You can't catch me, Padfoot. The more to try, heck, the more you lose!" James laughed as he ran down the hall as Sirius chased him. _

_Remus ran after them. "Slow down!" he panted. Peter managed to jog, but did this the hard way because he was a lot fatter than the rest and it was plainly too hard for him to keep up. Remus kicked off faster. "Prongs! Padfoot! Slow down. You might bump into teachers," he warned as they made their way down the hall. "PRONGS! PADFOOT! SLOW DOWN!" _

_James finally stopped. Sirius grabbed him, but let go. James was staring at something. He looked up and gasped. James quickly turned to Remus. "It's a full moon." His eyes were wide with fright. Remus grew pale, forgetting all about it. Peter froze. James grabbed Remus' arm. "We have to go to Professor Dumbledore or something. Run!" he said as they ran back towards the headmaster's office. _

_The boys managed to keep Remus' secret a secret. they made it just in time to the headmaster's office. Madame Pomfrey was immediately informed and they took Remus away almost instantly. Sirius grinned and gave James a thump on the back with a wink of congratulations. _

_"What are friends for?" asked James as they walked back to the common room without Remus. James plopped down on the couch. He was tired and sweaty. "That was a treat. You do run very fast, Padfoot, do you know that?" He gazed at the crackling fire for a moment. "Let's take out the Map. I'm thinking of a midnight snack tonight, aren't you?" Sirius simply grinned as a reply._

James looked at Sirius for a moment. His blood ruished through his veins. _I can't tell them. I find solutions for them, but they can't solve mine. I know it hurts for them as much as it hurts me, but then, they still shouldn't know. Not even Sirius._ "Give it a rest," muttered James. "There's nothing you can do about anything. You're an idiot for believing that you can help me." He knew this would hurt Sirius' feelings, but it was the only way to get him to walk away.

But Sirius didn't, much to James' dismay. "We're not letting go of you, mate," he whispered in a low voice. "I can feel it. There's something you want to, have to, tell us. I can see them in your eyes, Prongs. Five years it's been and you think I don't know you." He neared James, gripping his forearm tightly. "The Marauders are your brothers, James, brothers." Sirius turned and walked away. Remus and Peter followed him.

James was left standiong in hte midst of the crowd who continued their whispers, but James didn't hear them. _How could I tell you? As much as I want to, I can't. It's the past I try to forget._ James did not mind the whisper and the occassional yelp. He turned and followed after his friends. _If you really want to know,_ James' heart raced, _then fine! I'll tell you. But it's something you won't want to hear._

**What are you waiting for?**

"Lily!" James exclaimed when she saw her. Lily was sobbing alone and no one seemed to be comforting her. James sat beside her, forgetting for a moment the situation he had with the Marauders. "Lily, what happened? Are you all right? What's wrong?" Lily moved an inch further from him without saying a word. "Lily, you know I'd like to help you..." his voice trailed off as Lily wiped away her tears.

Lily stood up slowly. "It's nothing. You don't need to know," she simply said. She grabbed her books and walked away, still sniffling. James' eyes followed her. _I can't believe they hexed you, James. I don't understand. It hurts me to see you hurt, to see the Marauders fight. You're my inspiration and I don't want you falling apart or I fall apart too._

**Do you know what you're doing to me?**

James stormed into the common room. Sirius, Remus, and Peter had been waiting for him there. "What have you said to Lily? I saw her crying outside. What have you done? She doesn't cry just like that unless you've told her something." James' face was red with anger and steam was coming off his ears. Obviosuly he was ready to beat the lights out of the other three Marauders.

Sirius folded his hands across his chest. "Haven't talked to her all day," he said in a low voice. He looked at James straight in the eye. "You're giving yourself a hard time, Prongs. It's not all meant to go like this. Tell us what's wrong. We know it's all about your father, your past, and maybe about some beating. I get them too, but I don't react like you do. There must be something you've skipped off, something you don't want to tell us." Sirius did not intend to let the matter go.

James turned and punched the wall hard. Blood came trickling down his knucles. Peter held his breath. Remus looked as if he was going to break down. Sirius looked at James calmly. _You don't understand..._ "You're not helping me! You're just making a big damn out of this!" shouted James angrily, kicking the table nearby. "Why don't you just leave me alone?"

**C'mon help! What are you waiting for?**

And for the first time, in five years, tears came rolling down James' face. Sirius caught him. James cried in his shoulder. None of them spoke. James continued to bawl. Sirius didn't push him away. Just like a very special friend, a very loving brother, he let James place the trouble on his own shoulders. Sirius knew that somehow James needed them, he just couldn't come off and say it. Pride.

"It's al'right, mate. Boys do cry sometimes," assured Sirius in whisper. James held onto Sirius tighter, bawling like a boy. "Just let it all out." Sirius, who had been in the same situation many times, had cried it all on to James many times. This time, it was the other way around and both boys knew that there was no shame on it. Boys are still human. They have emotions. They can cry, should cry, if they needed to.

Remus took a deep breath. "You want to tell us what's the matter?" he asked, choosing his words carefully and trying not to sound panicked. He had never seen James cry. There were times when he seemed near to it, but not like this. All James' pent up sadness and hurt was filling the room. Tension grew. "You know we'd try our best to help, mate. Maybe we can't change what's been happening, but we can make it a little better. You know, like you do for me, if you know what I mean," he said.

James looked up. He looked at his friends who stood by him. Four years it's been and they hadn't abandoned him. In this time, their fifth year, the first time he cried, broke down, and felt helpless; they still hadn't left him. They still stood by him. A smile glowed in his heart. He had found his friends, his family.

**Hold on, if you feel like letting go**

_"Tell me, James, what's been happening?" James and his sister's eyes met for a while. James didn't reply. His sister did not let go of him. "Something is happening and I know, James. There is nothing you can hide from me." James still did not reply. Tears filled his sister's eyes. "Why don't you talk to me anymore? What have I done?" James felt sorry, but his father had turned him emotionless, a man, to put it into his father's words. "James, what's happened to you?" _

_James pushed her away. "Nothing," he muttered. He cannot look back at his sister. "I've just grown up, sis, can't you face that? I'm not your so-called little brother anymore. I can take care of myself just fine." He walked away without another word. _

_The stoned hard James had come to have felt no remorse for walking away. He only felt alone, but could not come to say it. He knew he needed to tell his sister because she cared, but he seemed not to care anymore. He could not cry, could not open up. he felt scared, though he didn't have the courage to speak of it. He could not trust. He simply felt alone._

**Hold on, it's better than you know**

"It's hard to tell you,'cause I swore to myself I won't let anyone know," said James in a quiet voice after he's calmed down. Sirius, Peter, and Remus listened patiently. "My dad's gone berserk after mum died. He," he stopped for a while. No one moved. They all seemed intereseted. "He hits me. He," he stopped again. He couldn't tell them. It just hurts to. "He abuses me. Not just physically or verbaly. It's been more than that." Remus gasped, grasping James' meaning. "He beat me sore, he beat me senseless. He just keeps going on and on, saying it's my fault my mum died. Sa-"

Sirius waved his hand. "I get it," he said, "if it's hard, don't tell us anymore." James nodded. He was glad he had these friends. Sirius looked at the hearth. "Memories like that will surely haunt you, no matter how hard you try to forget. Same goes for me, mate. I try to forget it all, but sometimes, something the people you come to love does something bad, it hurts and seemes really hard to forget and forgive if you must." He looked back at James. "You're safe here with us, you should know that," he assured James.

They heard a sneeze from behind the wall. All four boys looked up. Remus pointed the wand at the wall. "Show yourself," he demanded. No one came out. Remus threw sparks from his wand. "I said show yourself. You don't want to be hexed at this moment, you eavsedropping fool," he said irritably.

**Don't stop looking, you're one step closer**

To their surprise, Lily stepped out from behind the wall. "I-I couldn't h-help it," she stammered. Remus lowered his want. James couldn't help but stare at her. "I've been so w-worried lately. P-Potter hasn't been acting a-arrgoantly and isn't h-hexing people that much s-so I thought something was w-wrong. I saw S-Sirius h-hex him and I got scared. I-It doesn't happen..." she said, her voice trailing with a hint of shiver.

James held out his hand, smiling gently. "You can come over here," he said. Lily timidly took his hand. James, very happily, pulled her to a close hug. "It's all right, Lily. Nothing's happened, nothing." He cuddled her close to him, pressing her body bear him. "It's all right, Lily," he whispered as Lily cried in his arms. "It's all right, Lils," he whispered.

The five Gryffindors stayed together for a while until the room was slowly filled. It was a moment never to be forgotten, a moment that they could not simply wash away from their minds. There happened to be a connection among them, a connection that seemed hard to break. They didn't understand this, but they assumed it's from shock. But deep sown, they know it's more than that. The connection they made that night would one day save their lives, they were sure of it.

**Don't stop searching it's not over**

Lily wiped away her tears as she pulled away from James. "I didn't just do that," she said in a state of shock. James smiled, happy that she did. Surprsingly, Lily smiled too. "I guess we'll see each other in classes again tomorrow, Potter, with you looking like a git again," she said, smirking.

James laughed. "Of course, my beautiful flower," she said. Lily gave one last look at him before she walked away to her dorm. _She likes me. I felt it. She likes me._ James turned to his friends. "What are we sitting here for? We've got ham and cheese to steal." He looked at Remus and Sirius and Peter who were now beaming, happy that their Prongs is actually back. James stood up. "Let's get my cloak. It's running late, we have to go now so we could snack on our prize."

**Hold on, if you feel like letting go**

_"James Potter grabs the snitch. Gryffindor wins three hundred to one fifty against the Slytherin team! Way to go, Quidditch Captain!" exclaimed Brad Huston, the announcer. Professor McGongall threw a repraochful look at him, but he didn't care. Brad smiled. "The Gryffindor wins the Cup! James Potter wins his last game!" _

_Beaming with pride, seventeen-year-old James Potter walked away from the Quidditch field to his friends. They headed towards the owelry. "We're graduating, mates," said James as they reached the top. Sirius nodded. James sighed as he looked far into the horizon. "Still, once a Marauder, always a Marauder," he said to them with a smile. "Plus, I get a bonus. Lily Evans." _

_Peter agreed. "You're right there," he said with a happy tone. "Lucky you got Lily. It's been years that you're after her." He looked at the direction James looked. "What do you think will happen to us years from now?" He felt a chill run down his spine. "Forget that." He turned. "Let's get our last prank done and finish all those Zonko products. At least we'll have to leave a good-bye mark here at Hogwarts," he said hopefully. _

_Sirius patted his head. "You little rat." Peter stuck his tongue out. Sirius laughed. "Just kiddin', Wormtail, just kiddin'." He looked at Remus. "Any idea, my friend?" he asked. _

_Remus smacked his lips. "Just the right one." _

_The four of them headed off for their last prank before they would leave Hogwarts. Once a Marauder, always a Marauder. Once a brother, always a brother. That's how they left the school, the home that they had come to know, the family that they had come to love._

**Hold on, it gets better than you know**

_**"James, would you mind stop daydreaming? Harry have been crying up in his room for ages," said Lily in a tired voice. James looked at her. Lily gave him a soft smile. "Thinking about the old times again?" She sat on his lap. "It's been a long while, really," she whispered, running her hand through his hair. **_

_**James smiled and pulled her closer to him. "Yeah, you're right, it's been a long time." He cuddled her and gave her a soft peck. "I love you, Lils." Lily closer her eyes. James did too and introduced his lips to hers once more. "I love you and Harry so much, Lils," he whispered. **_

_**Both of them heard Harry crying again. "He's awake." Lily stood up, so did James. Both of them headed to Harry's room. Lily carried the three-month-old baby in her arms. "Hush, my little baby, Mummy's hear." The kettle in the kitchen warned Lily that the bottle's water was now warm. "Hold him for me, James. I'm going to get his baby bottle," said Lily, handing the baby to her husband. **_

_**James rocked little Harry and smiled. He knew that he wanted no harm for his son. He wanted his son to have a home with him and Lily. Nothing that happened to him as a boy would touch Harry. "No horrors will haunt your life, my baby boy," he promised. James hugged him tightly. "I love you, son." Harry would have a happy life as long as he is alive. **_

**Hold on! **

**A/N: How was it? Did I get almost everything right and okay? Or did I screw up? Please comment! Thanks!**


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